Not a Word I Heard Could I Relate, The Story Was Quite Clear

Tying up a few loose ends from this weekend...

Thanks to Tim Henderson for telling me about the following video depicting the emerging sport* of anvil shooting.

The best part of that entire video? "Women ask why would I want to do that? Men say that's pretty cool." That's the essence of the difference between the sexes, right? None of this "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" stuff. Guys just want to see large pieces of metal get blown to Kingdom Come and have no regard for the actual "why?" behind the action.

In other news, the lady friend passed along the following story about David Cross (a.k.a. Dr. Tobias Funke) allegedly dappling in the Columbian nose candy** while at the White House Correspondents' Dinner early this year. If true, I sincerely hope that Cross has footage of the event, if only so that we can see evidence of how Tobias Funke would interact with the Leader of the Free World whilst high as a kite.

If you heard a large amount of shouting coming from the Scott household on Sunday afternoon (I traveled home for a friend's wedding), it was because we witnessed another triumph of Good over Evil in this world as Liverpool defeated the English Evil Empire by the score of 2 to nothing courtesy of goals from Fernando "The Man, the Myth, the Legend" Torres and Davig N'Gog. My Dad gave N'Gog the less than stellar nickname of "Pear-head", but don't worry, David, I don't think the new nick-name will catch on across the pond.

*May not actually be an emerging sport.

**Not recommended for actual use by children...or anyone who might older than a child.

Wave That Flag, Wave it Wide and High

Despite the fact that the above scene graciously gave me enough putdowns and comebacks to last my entire childhood, I reference Hook for another reason this evening, my friends.

I always loved those montage scenes in the middle of movies where one of the characters is training for some great task, whether it be the Lost Boys re-training Peter for the greatwar with Captain Hook, Rocky running up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art before his fight with Apollo Creed, or the punch-dancing scene in Hot Rod (which really didn't have a discernible purpose but was enjoyable nonetheless), and I fully intend to re-enact one of those montages in the next three weeks as the countdown to the July 2009 Texas Bar Exam has now begun in earnest.

Whose music is that I hear in the distance?

Ah yes.

It's you, Europe.

Take it away, my friends because this is the final countdown. This one's for you, G.O.B.

The Autumn Bells are Ringing, but They'll Just Have to Wait

Two things before I head off to the exotic locale of Nashville, Tennessee for that thing the kids like to call Spring Break (look for me in the Nashville-edition of Girls With Low Self Esteem):

1. Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy, provides a great take on the societal menace that is the Facebook Status Update:

Other than that, the comedy of status updates can be off the charts. Like my college classmate who sends out status updates so overwhelmingly mundane and weird that my buddies and I forward them to each other, then add fake responses like, "(Guy's name) … snapped and killed a drifter tonight" and "(Guy's name) … would hang myself if the ceilings in my apartment weren't too short."

It kills us. We can't get enough of it. We have been doing it for four solid months. And really, that's what Facebook is all about -- looking at photos of your friend's kids or any reunion or party, making fun of people you never liked and searching for old hook-ups and deciding whether you regret the hook-up or not. That's really it. All in all, I like Facebook.

2. Some blessed soul has been putting all of the old GSP Sing Song acts on YouTube. We're talking all the way back to the halcyon days of 1993. In the spirit of excess, here they are in all their glory.

1993-Referees

1995-Golfers

1996-Sheriffs

1999-Matadors

2000-Umpires

2001-Barbershop Quartet

2002-Huck Finn (bonus points to the first person who finds baby-faced Dan Carlson)

2003-The Beatles show is M.I.A. for some reason. I blame Demetrius Collins for this.

2004-Top Gun

2005-Travolta (I have no idea how this show won)

2006-Frogs (The show I enjoyed the most, and, in my opinion, is the best one on this list)

2007-Firemen

2008-Magicians (I'm just going to act as though I never saw this show)

2009-Peter Pan

You Won't Say It Now, but In Your Heart It's Loud

Congratulations to the lovely Ms. Amanda Pierce for correctly naming "All We Are" by OneRepublic as the Wednesday Song of the Day.

I realize I don't normally utilize the ol' blog as a vehicle for detailing my academic career, but since Professor Osler assigned me to a group to "research" powder cocaine as part of his Criminal Practice and Procedure course, I felt compelled to share with you, my dear readers, some of the more colloquial names for powder cocaine so that you can be a more informed member of whatever community you happen to call home.
Without further ado:

• Blow--Real original work here Johnny Depp. Give me some creativity, Capt. Sparrow.
  
• Nose Candy--Coming to an H.E.B. near you, kids!!!!
  
• Powder--And I just thought this was a slightly creepy movie.
  
• Nose Powder
• White Powder--Used most famously by "White Power" Bill of Arrested Development.
• Birdie Powder
• Friskie Powder--The only cat food guaranteed to cause paranoia.
  
• Happy Powder--So that's what Peter Pan and the Lost Boys were up to all that time.
  
• Marching Powder
  
• Bolivian Marching Powder--I think I actually put some of this in my chili last week.
• Joy Powder--I think one of my friends dated Joy Powder at ACU.
• Powder Diamonds--I actually worked my way up to skiing a couple of these last time I was in Colorado.
• Star Spangled Powder--You too, Francis Scott Key??? Is anything sacred? Does this mean Fort McHenry was actually a crack-house? So many questions.
  
• Aspirin--Wait a second here...
• Aunt--I don't even have a joke here because this one makes absolutely no sense.
• Candy Sugar--Does the same exact thing to your stomach as Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola.
• Devil's Dandruff-Someone get Mephistpholes some Head and Shoulders for goodness sake.
• Fast White Lady--Danica Patrick, if you take this as your new nick-name, I want credit.
• Flake--I'm on to you, Jack Johnson. You drug fiend.
• Flave--Sold with a complimentary viking helmet and clock necklace.
• Shake
• Shrile
• Snowball-A large number of catowners do powder cocaine. A large number of cats are named "Snowball". Mere Coincidence? You decide.
• Soft
• Sugar Boogers--My personal favorite.
  
• Pariba--I think this is the website Dan Carlson writes for but you can never be too sure.
• Tornado--So that's how they paid Bill Pullman and Helen Hunt.
• Uptown--Perhaps Billy Joel wasn't actually writing about a girl. Hmmmm.
• White Boy
• White Dragon--I had some great sesame chicken at White Dragon once.
• Wicky Stick--The best selling Christmas gift in 1987.
• Yao--So that's how a Chinese guy ends up at 7 ft. 6 in.

The Cretins Cloning and Feeding, and I Don't Even Own a TV

"I Dream of Denver" by David Brooks

The Pew Research Center just finished a study about where Americans would like to live and what sort of lifestyle they would like to have. The first thing they found is that even in dark times, Americans are still looking over the next horizon. Nearly half of those surveyed said they would rather live in a different type of community from the one they are living in at present.

Second, Americans still want to move outward. City dwellers are least happy with where they live, and cities are one of the least popular places to live...

Cities remain attractive to the young. Forty-five percent of Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 would like to live in New York City. But cities are profoundly unattractive to people with families and to the elderly...

Third, Americans still want to go west. The researchers at Pew asked Americans what metro areas they would like to live in. Seven of the top 10 were in the West: Denver, San Diego, Seattle, San Francisco, Phoenix, Portland and Sacramento. The other three were in the South: Orlando, Tampa and San Antonio. Eastern cities were down the list and Midwestern cities were at the bottom.

Although Brooks did not address this in his column, I was, with a little wrangling, cajoling, and yes, outright bribery, able to obtain the release of the bottom three cities in the polling conducted by the Pew Research Center.

Here's what I found:

#7,345: West Memphis, AR

#7,346: Lubbock, TX

Let us not beat around the bush: Lubbock sucks. You and I have no love for Lubbock. Often, and this is just one man?s opinion, I could be wrong, I think Lubbock has about as much appeal as lard-fried Vienna sausages served in a pool of warm goat spit.

#7,347: Detroit, MI

This city has not always been a gentle place, but a series of events over the past few, frigid days causes one to wonder how cold the collective heart has grown.

It starts with a phone call made by a man who said his friend found a dead body in the elevator shaft of an abandoned building on the city's west side.

"He's encased in ice, except his legs, which are sticking out like Popsicle sticks," the caller phoned to tell this reporter.

Ladies and gentlemen, G.O.B. Bluth may tell you that "the jury's still out on science", but the fact that those cities are at the bottom of the list is a fact as immutable as Pluto's status as a planet.

Wait, what's that?

Pluto's been downgraded?

Okay, forget you read any of this.

They Won't Make It Home, but They Really Don't Care

I realize that at various points in this history of this blog, I've been chastised by my dear readers for going on ad nauseam about Liverpool, European football, soccer, so on and so forth, Bob Loblaw, ahem, blah, blah, blah.

All of that will change this Sunday, though, my friends. I'll be doing my own small part in fighting the Global War on Terror* as I support Liverpool F.C. in their battle against Arsenal F.C. and I encourage you to join me.

Justin, what in the world do you mean?

Is Arsenal F.C. a hot-bed for jihadists intent on taking down the very foundations of Western Civilization?

Sadly enough, not even I can sustain that level of hyperbole, but I can tell you this: A vote for Liverpool is vote against Arsenal, and a vote against Arsenal is a vote against Public Enemy Number One, Osama bin Laden.

VERSUS

Premiership giants Arsenal have barred Bin Laden from the ground after discovering that the terrorist leader is a big fan of the club.

"We've seen the reports in the papers. Clearly he wouldn't be welcome at Highbury in the future," said a club spokesman.

According to revelations in a new biography of the world's most wanted man, Bin Laden became fanatical about the team in the 1990s when he was staying in the capital.

"Fanatical About Football" courtesy of BBC Sport. Granted, the story is over 7 years old, but it's just too much fun to pass up.

*Used with the express written permission of George W. Bush.

You Lose Your Fear of the End

Congratulations to Mr. Andrew Tuegel for correctly naming "Save Me" by Dave Matthews (and Tim Reynolds) as the Monday Song of the Day.

I must tell you, I was a bit surprised by the outpouring of commentary on the favorite Arrested Development character question, but if there's one thing that people love, it's the Cornballer.

I'm not a huge fan of the NBA, but if Portland Trailblazers rookie Rudy Fernandez continues his impression of "Jimmy" from Seinfeld, I might just start following Rudy and his red-and-black clad mates.
For a player who almost exclusively hits three-pointers, perhaps it shouldn't have been a surprise to hear Trail Blazers rookie Rudy Fernandez on Monday speak in the third person.

"Rudy is not everyday a shooter," Fernandez said. "He's defense. He's passes. He's assists."

We Could Kill Some Time, Shoot the Breeze

In an effort to show that this blog is not a completely solipsistic venture, I'm running a little poll to find out what you, my beloved readership, think about a topic which is quite close to my heart as of late.

Over the past few weeks, I've been re-watching Arrested Development and pretending as though I was actually cool enough to have watched the show while it was on Fox. Yes, that's right. I'm not vain enough to lie to you by fabricating some scenario where I actually watched the show during its three-year run. Those who claim they watched Arrested Development during its run are a blessed lot, but I'm a bit suspicious that those who claimed to have watched the show are the equivalent of the untold millions who subsequently claimed that they were at Woodstock.

With that said, the aforementioned poll concerns everyone's favorite character from the show. I know it is quite difficult, but you may only choose one. Otherwise, in the words of Judge Smails from Caddyshack, "You will get nothing...and like it!"

Without further ado, your choices:

• Michael Bluth
• Buster Bluth
• George Oscar Bluth II, "G.O.B."
• Lindsay Bluth Funke
• George Michael Bluth
• Maeby Funke
• Tobias Funke
• Lucille Bluth
• George Bluth Sr.
• Barry Zuckerkorn
• Bob Loblaw
• Stan Sitwell
• Lucille Austero
• Ann Veal
• Hel-loh "Annyong" Bluth
• Carl Weathers
• Gene Parmesan
• Wayne Jarvis
• Oscar Bluth
• Mrs. Featherbottom
• Write in Candidate of Your Choice
  

Them's the choices, folks. Feel free to supplement your vote with a clip that represents the essence of your character of choice.

My pick? I'm going with Tobias. There's comedy, there's high comedy, there's transcendent comedy, and then there's Tobias announcing the FIRE...sale.

I've Been Waiting For This Moment All My Life

I'm not sure how confident fans of the Spurs are right now regarding the 2008-2009 season seeing as though their coach looks a cross between Michael Bluth and a post "San Diego, go $%#@ yourself," Ron Burgundy.

"It's so hot, this blue blazer was a bad choice."

Bells are Chiming for Victory

At this point, we've all read the stories about the U.S.-launched missile that destroyed a National Reconnaissance Office satellite late Wednesday night, but in the words of George Oscar Bluth II (G.O.B. to his friends), "COME ON, U.S. military."

Aren't there other uses for the munitions of the United States, such as...

• Yankee Stadium
• The studios filming any one of the thousand "CSI: (Insert American City here)"
• Old Trafford
• The headquarters of the Blahg
• Jose Canseco's house, Roger Clemens's house, Barry Bonds's house, etc.
• The source of the immortal "Don't tase me, bro" catchphrase
• People still voting for Mitt Romney weeks after he dropped (excuse me, suspended) his Presidential campaign.
• Any supporters of the Philadelphia Eagles, New York Giants, or New England Patriots.
• The person that invented speed limits
• Charlie Finley and John Hedyler (the brain trust behind the designated hitter rule)

That's all the punishment I can dole out at this time, but feel free to add your own suggestions.

I Wish I Was a Messenger and All the News Was Good

I've always made fun of my buddy Mason Orr for wearing the "Michael Bluth" outfit* of khakis and a navy blazer to GSP Formal events while I was at ACU, but Mason might also be able to break out the "Michael Bluth" costume at a future premiere of an Arrested Development film.

This just might be the best news we Arrested fans have heard in a very long time.
Jason Bateman has just confirmed to me that the creative minds behind Arrested Development (Mitch Hurwitz and Ron Howard) have put the wheels in motion toward a major motion picture of the Fox TV comedy so many of us adore. I'm told by insiders that Jason and other Bluth family members have received calls from producers (Hurwitz and Howard) asking if they would be willing to shoot a movie.

"I can confirm that a round of sniffing has started," Bateman says. "Any talk is targeting a poststrike situation, of course. I think, as always, that it's a question of whether the people with the money are willing to give our leader, Mitch Hurwitz, what he deserves for his participation. And I can speak for the cast when I say our fingers are crossed."

"Exclusive! Jason Bateman Confirms Arrested Development Movie Talks" by Kristin Dos Santos (no relation to FC Barcelona star Giovani Dos Santos)

*Editor's Note: In the interest of full disclosure, I have been known to choose the "Michael Bluth" outfit from time to time, especially last summer at my internship. Let's be honest here: It's a standard outfit for American males who have to adhere to a business professional wardrobe at one point or another. Also, Peyton Manning was seen rocking the "Michael Bluth", or as I sometimes also call it, the "Yacht Captain", at Super Bowl XLII. Whether you choose to call it the "Michael Bluth" or the "Yacht Captain", it's really the same thing.

I'm Feelin' Better Since I Got Your Card, I Read It Over and Over When the Road Gets Hard

Quick Thoughts on a Sunday Evening

• 6:12 p.m.--Peyton Manning grimaces in pain as a would be fumble recovery on the 2 yard-line turns into a touchdown for the Patriots.
• 6:35 p.m.--Peyton Manning appears in a Sprint commercial wearing a ridiculous mustache.
• 6:40 p.m.--After Asante Samuel's interception return for a touchdown, Peyton Manning's face now resembles that of a father who has just opened the cell phone bill of his teenage daughter.
• 6:45 p.m.--I love irony.

Thanks for all of the thoughts on yesterday's post. If anything, I hope that this space provides you an opportunity to think and communicate with those that you know and with some other folks that you might not.

Because I have a LARC II Final tomorrow, I thought I would try to give the gift of humor. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Franklin: