The Cretins Cloning and Feeding, and I Don't Even Own a TV

"I Dream of Denver" by David Brooks

The Pew Research Center just finished a study about where Americans would like to live and what sort of lifestyle they would like to have. The first thing they found is that even in dark times, Americans are still looking over the next horizon. Nearly half of those surveyed said they would rather live in a different type of community from the one they are living in at present.

Second, Americans still want to move outward. City dwellers are least happy with where they live, and cities are one of the least popular places to live...

Cities remain attractive to the young. Forty-five percent of Americans between the ages of 18 and 34 would like to live in New York City. But cities are profoundly unattractive to people with families and to the elderly...

Third, Americans still want to go west. The researchers at Pew asked Americans what metro areas they would like to live in. Seven of the top 10 were in the West: Denver, San Diego, Seattle, San Francisco, Phoenix, Portland and Sacramento. The other three were in the South: Orlando, Tampa and San Antonio. Eastern cities were down the list and Midwestern cities were at the bottom.

Although Brooks did not address this in his column, I was, with a little wrangling, cajoling, and yes, outright bribery, able to obtain the release of the bottom three cities in the polling conducted by the Pew Research Center.

Here's what I found:

#7,345: West Memphis, AR

#7,346: Lubbock, TX

Let us not beat around the bush: Lubbock sucks. You and I have no love for Lubbock. Often, and this is just one man?s opinion, I could be wrong, I think Lubbock has about as much appeal as lard-fried Vienna sausages served in a pool of warm goat spit.

#7,347: Detroit, MI

This city has not always been a gentle place, but a series of events over the past few, frigid days causes one to wonder how cold the collective heart has grown.

It starts with a phone call made by a man who said his friend found a dead body in the elevator shaft of an abandoned building on the city's west side.

"He's encased in ice, except his legs, which are sticking out like Popsicle sticks," the caller phoned to tell this reporter.

Ladies and gentlemen, G.O.B. Bluth may tell you that "the jury's still out on science", but the fact that those cities are at the bottom of the list is a fact as immutable as Pluto's status as a planet.

Wait, what's that?

Pluto's been downgraded?

Okay, forget you read any of this.