Bells are Chiming for Victory

At this point, we've all read the stories about the U.S.-launched missile that destroyed a National Reconnaissance Office satellite late Wednesday night, but in the words of George Oscar Bluth II (G.O.B. to his friends), "COME ON, U.S. military."

Aren't there other uses for the munitions of the United States, such as...

• Yankee Stadium
• The studios filming any one of the thousand "CSI: (Insert American City here)"
• Old Trafford
• The headquarters of the Blahg
• Jose Canseco's house, Roger Clemens's house, Barry Bonds's house, etc.
• The source of the immortal "Don't tase me, bro" catchphrase
• People still voting for Mitt Romney weeks after he dropped (excuse me, suspended) his Presidential campaign.
• Any supporters of the Philadelphia Eagles, New York Giants, or New England Patriots.
• The person that invented speed limits
• Charlie Finley and John Hedyler (the brain trust behind the designated hitter rule)

That's all the punishment I can dole out at this time, but feel free to add your own suggestions.

She Likes to Read, I Like to Write

An excerpt from Dixieland Delight--

Step 8 on the Sports Grief Scale:

"Whichever team beat mine sucks and so do their fans": Comforting myself with juvenile thoughts is a great way to move forward in your recovery. When I was about ten and Tennessee had just lost to Auburn, my dad said, "Clay, right now there is a boy the same age as you in Alabama who is really happy that his team beat Tennessee. Sometimes you'll be happy and sometimes he'll be happy, but you really aren't that different." After seventeen years, I have a much better perspective about things like this. For instance, now that little boy from Auburn is also twenty-seven and, right now, I am still sure he sucks and so does his team.

Clay Travis is right after all. At 23, I realize that there are fans of Manchester United and the Philadelphia Eagles who are happy right now. I also realize that they still suck and so do their teams.

Today was not a great day to be a supporter of Liverpool F.C. and the Dallas Cowboys. I'm pretty sure that I am part of the extremely small population that supports both franchises, but the similarities between the two losses were downright eerie.

• The Reds lost at home to (insert expletive here) Manchester United and the 'Boys fell at Texas Stadium to the (insert expletive here) Philadelphia Eagles.
• Liverpool failed to find the back of the net in dropping a 1-0 result to the Red Devils and America's Team failed to score a touchdown and lost by a final score of 10-6.
• Both teams are owned by residents of North Texas, Tom Hicks and Jerry Jones respectively.
• Admittedly Liverpool did not have to deal with the great scourge of Jessica Simpson casting all kinds of bad karma over their squad, unlike the Cowboys,but they did have to deal with their own prima donna in Man. U.'s Cristiano Ronaldo.
• Honestly, if Jessica Simpson rips apart this Cowboys team like Yoko Ono tore apart the Beatles, millions of Texans might move en masse to have her citizenship revoked or at least see to it that she was blacklisted from Texas Stadium like Elaine's communist boyfriend was blacklisted at Hop Sing's. Ms. Simpson, you've been warned.