What is the Central Theme to This Everlasting Spoof?

As I've been notified by notable luminaries of the blogosphere-verse such as this guy and this gentleman (please don't read anything into who received the "gentleman" moniker and who was relegated to the distinction of "this guy". I'm just trying to avoid redundancy), I'm apparently the subject of a Twitter fatwa issued by noted (at least among ACU alums between 2004-2006) Auburn Tiger football supporter Austin Henley.

I am truly flattered by the groundswell of popular support that has arisen in the aftermath of Mr. Henley's decree, but as the lady friend notified me earlier this evening, I have a tendency to be "a bit long winded" (which I'm pretty sure was a euphemistic way of saying that I go on about things a BIT longer than I should sometimes/all the time), and I don't know if I could resign myself to a prison of 140 characters.

Also, and more importantly, if I own a phone that can only receive, but not send, text messages, how in the world am I supposed to tweet? Twit? Twizzle?

I give up.

Current Reading

God Save the Fan by Will Leitch

Haven't Seen Quite Enough of the World

The good folks over at Deadspin had a post on Wednesday regarding Sports Illustrated's rather frequent use of the moniker "Chosen One" when describing various athletic prodigies. In fact, SI has used the term in reference to no less than 52 different athletes since 1982.

Some of those who have received the SI anointing fared quite well after being bestowed with such a lofty title (LeBron, Tim Tebow, and Tiger Woods among others), but others have not exactly lived up to their advance billing. I consider myself a pretty devoted sports fan, but even I have absolutlely no idea who Jack Keefe, Livingston Bramble, and Kyle Macy are.

The latest SI Golden Child is a 16 year old baseball player from Las Vegas High named Bryce Harper. Much like other adolescent wunderkinds, Harper's legend is supplemented by tales of mammoth home-runs, carefully crafted YouTube highlight videos, and an already adoring fanbase eager to spread his gospel. From everything I've read and seen, it looks like the kid is going to be a phenomenal player, but even in the midst of its desire to mock SI, I think Deadspin stumbled on to something that is worth discussing.

In the age of the internet, speed is king. Sure, accuracy is valued, but if you're the first person out with a story, you can afford to play a little faster and looser with the facts than other folks, because as I learned in Practice Court, the concepts of primacy and recency matter. Human beings take stock in things that they hear first and things that they hear last. Everything in the middle may be one giant blur, but if you leave people with a memorable opening and closing, you have a much better chance of having your information stick in the minds of your listeners than if you were only able to speak second or in the penultimate slot.

In the rush to annoint the next "Chosen One", the next big thing, or the next big band, prognosticators often fall prey to the same dangerous allure of speed. It's always a fickle proposition predicting the future, but I do wonder if we've lost something important when we value primacy over depth of analysis, potential over production, and hype over substance.

Most of My Friends Back Then Have Moved Along

As detailed on Deadspin and the journalistic juggernaut that is the Abilene Reporter-News, the Abilene Ruff Riders opened their franchise win account with a 39-24 victory on Monday over the Odessa Roughnecks in the air-conditioned confines of the Taylor County Expo Center.

A brief digression, though, my friends: Can we have a little more name variety out of our West Texas quasi-Arena League football teams? Failing that, can we at least agree on a uniform spelling of "Rough/Ruff"? I foresee a generation of young West Texans writing book reports on Teddy Roosevelt and describing the heroic charge of the “Ruff” Riders up San Juan Hill. The public deserves no less than an authoritative ruling on this, my friends.
The big story, though, was the performance of the Abilene quarterback, one Quincy Carter. Yes, that Quincy Carter. The former University of Georgia and Dallas Cowboys signal caller is now playing minor league arena football in Abilene. For those of who support America’s Team, that's about as depressing as the time one of my friends went to see Vanilla Ice for $5 bucks at the Harvey Hall Convention Center in Tyler at some point in the late 90's.

Sailing Like a Silver Bullet, Hit 'Em 'Tween the Eyes

It's always a good day when your alma mater makes Deadspin and the words "scantily-clad", "drunk", "racist", "indiscretion", or "regret" are not utilized.

Assuming that the band plays the school fight song following every touchdown, this tuba player most likely fell over dead around about the middle of the third quarter on Saturday. It was Abilene Christian vs. West Texas A&M in the second round of the NCAA Div. II football playoffs, with Abilene pulling out the victory, 93-68. Yes, a college football team surpassed Oklahoma's point total on Saturday, and still lost by 25. Jumpin' Jehoshaphat.

Fun fact: Abilene Christian's men's basketball team played host to Huston Tillotson that evening and could not outscore the football team, losing 92-90.

"So Abilene Christian Scored a Few Points on Saturday" by Deadspin's Rick Chandler.

Take Your Eyes Off Me, There's Nothing Here to See

I came across the following video of Cowboys' cornerback Terence Newman riding the new "Tony Hawk's Big Spin" roller-coaster at Six Flags over Texas on the Dallas Morning News Cowboys blog and Deadspin.

Selected highlights include:

• Newman echoing Ricky Bobby in his prayers to a "6 lb. 8 oz. Baby Jesus".
• #41 screaming like a small child.

Don't worry, Terence. I'm sure this video won't be required film viewing for wide receivers across the NFL this year.

I Belong Anywhere But In Between

Brian Collins, he of "And Boom Goes the Dynamite" fame, is now a sportscaster at KXXV Channel 25 in Waco.

"Scott Drew...not looking happy with Bears' play right now...AND BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE."

Also, it bears mentioning that Collins is likely the second-most famous Ball State alum in the world of broadcasting, but he still falls well short of #1: the one, the only, David Letterman.

The World Is In Your Hands or It's At Your Throat

Ladies and gentlemen, I take it as my duty to present to you the great and mighty foe of Baylor Bear football.

Am I talking about the entire Big XII? Possibly.

Am I speaking of those football programs that actually remember football relies on a different scoring standard than golf? Again, possibly.

At this moment, though, I am speaking of the (presumptive) Democratic nominee for the President of these United States in the Year of Our Lord 2008, Mr. Barack Obama.

Now, my faithful readers, I can hear your cries of derision. They rise up to me in a raucous chorus of disbelief, but the facts being what they are, the reality of the impending fallout simply cannot be ignored. As documented on that reputable journalistic outlet known as Deadspin.com, Mr. Obama's fabled acceptance speech at (Insert Corporate Name Here) at Mile High will take place on the same evening as Baylor's opening game of the 2008 football season, an August 28th matchup with the Demon Deacons of Wake Forest.

Are you kidding me, Mr. Obama? Did you hear that nickname Wake Forest is packing? DEMON DEACONS? Sure, we're the Bears and all, but DEMON DEACONS? That, my friends, is what nightmares are made of, pure and simple.

For the foregoing reasons, the editorial board of Running Down a Dream hereby requests that Mr. Obama and the entirety of the Democratic National Committee choose to move Mr. Obama's acceptance to the following night, August 29th, so that the Baylor Bears might have a full measure of support in their opening battle of the 2008 Slaughter Fest, scratch that, season against the fearsome spectre of the Wake Forest Demon Deacons. Failing that, the editorial board requests that Mr. Obama integrate into his acceptance speech various denigrating remarks directed at the Winston-Salem, North Carolina metropolitan area.

Respectfully Submitted,

The Running Down a Dream Editorial Board

Don't Let the Days Go By

Congratulations to Mrs. Sarah Yee as the latest winner of the McLennan County (as opposed to World) Famous Running Down a Dream Caption Contest.

For this extremely troubling photograph of talk-show raconteur Larry King, she gave this response:

"A fork and this man = why the lights really went out in Georgia."

This Week's Photo

In honor of the Southwest Airlines Wii-homage commercial (which can be viewed here) and General Petraeus's appearance this week on Capitol Hill, here's my submission: "Iraq: Want to Get Away?"

As always, place your submissions in the comments section. The Caption Contest runs through Sunday (4/13).

Note: Once again, thanks to the good folks over at Deadspin for the photo.

Every Day I Wake Up and It's Sunday

Congratulations to Mr. Dan Carlson as the winner of last week's Caption Contest with this inappropriate, yet incredibly hilarious, submission:

"Grandpa orders from the male side of the menu at Emperors Club VIP."

Such a statement connected with a picture of former NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, Tom Brady, and Eli Manning makes me want to take a nice long swig of Drano, but I'm trying to see the humor in the situation. Thanks to everyone for entering last week's Caption Contest.

And without further ado...this week's edition of the greatest thing to happen to the internet since the birth of Al Gore, the Running Down a Dream Caption Contest.
My submission: [Guy in the front row] "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go buy you a bag of popcorn, a beer, and cotton candy when that bull leaps over the wall and into these stands in a single bound. What's that? Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

As always, the Caption Contest runs through Sunday. If you win this week, you get to heap further grief on Luke Reeves for supporting Duke Basketball, the Ebola Virus, and everything else wrong with the world.

Note: Thanks to the good folks over at Deadspin for the "jumping bull" photos.

Hurry Here, Hustlin' There, Nobody's Got the Time to Spare

Congratulations to Mr. Joey Halbert for correctly naming "Brighter Than Sunshine" by Aqualung as the Tuesday Song of the Day. Remember kids, as Joey said, "You should never put this song on a CD for a girl. It's bad luck." I'm sure there's a story there, and if we're lucky, we just might hear it one of these days.

Thanks to the good folks over at Deadspin, I learned today that representatives for John Madden and Charles Barkley are threatening imminent legal action over the DISH TV advertising campaign which features Frank Caliendo and his ubiquitous impersonations of prominent* celebrities including Madden, Barkley, Dubya, Dr. Phil, Al Pacino, et. al.

As someone that is in training to become an attorney, you would probably expect for me to provide salient legal analysis on the relative merits of the potential claim. That's reasonable, I guess, but it's not on tap today. Instead, you're getting a quick recap of what has become perhaps my favorite response to a commercial in the last 5** months.

After the commercial finished, instead of making a statement that representatives for DISH TV should be standing by for the incoming call from the offices of Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson for a blatant and ham-handed use of blackface, one of my fellow viewers made the following statement:

[Person whose name has been removed to protect his/her identity]: "Wow, Charles Barkley has really let himself go."

That, my friends, is transcendent comedy.

*I use that term loosely
**Arbitrarily chosen number.

My Occupational Hazard Being My Occupation's Just Not Around

I was notified yesterday by an ardent fan of Running Down a Dream (yes, they exist) that I had not announced the winner for last week's Caption Contest, and lo and behold, I have neglected my duties to you, my ever faithful readership.

Fear not, for I come bearing one of those awards show envelopes containing the winner of last week's contest, who happens to be................Mr. Ryan Searcey. His winning submission for this photo:"I can't believe I screwed Searcey out of a victory in the Caption Contest last week in favor of that AGGIE Mike May. What in the hell have I done? I better go hide!"

Much thanks to the Editor-in-Chief of the Blahg, Mr. Joey Halbert, Mr. Ben Grant for their submissions. I also appreciated the hypothetical answer I received from Mr. Mike May.

This week's Caption Contest focuses on the momentous events which occurred yesterday. Sure, we can talk about that "Presidential Election/Primary" thing, but let's talk about something that has the ability to cause grown men (see: John Madden, Peter King, and the entire male population of Wisconsin) to weep like schoolgirls: The retirement of Brett Favre.

In honor of gritty, gutty #4, this week's photo takes you back to where it all began for Favre: the day he was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons after an illustrious career at the University of Southern Mississippi.My submission: "Yes sir, I would love to play for the Falcons. A $1,000,000 signing bonus? Gee, that's great. I can buy at least...............250 new pairs of jorts with that kind of cash. Thanks again, sir. Bye."

As always, place your submissions in the comments section, and best of luck to everyone. The Caption Contest runs through Sunday.

(Photo courtesy of the good folks at Deadspin)

I Looked Like Someone I Used to Know

I'm not sure how many of you are fans of the folks over at Deadspin, but if you are not, I feel obligated to bring this fantastic piece of news to you.

Former Minnesota Vikings and Arizona Cardinals head coach Dennis Green has filed an official trademark request with the United States Trademark and Patent Office for his immortal phrase: "They are who we thought they were."
If you are telling yourself that there is no way that you would wear a "They are Who We Thought They Were" emblazoned knitted cap, t-shirt, polo, golf cap, or jogging pant, you are obviously dealing with substantial self-honesty issues.

In case some of you have no idea what I am talking about, here is Green's press conference after the Cardinals' loss last season on Monday Night Football to the Monsters of the Midway, the Chicago Bears.

I'm pretty sure that Green is the last person that will ever get this fired up about losing to a team quarterbacked by the one and only Rex Grossman.