Moving Forward Through the Flaming Doors

What's the right course of action for a franchise that revels in finding new ways to rip the collective heart out of its fanbase year after year after year?

Get a new head-coach?

Stage a coup to run the owner/general manager/Skeletor out of town on a rail?
Stop bringing in players whose character would cause Charles Manson to blush?

Nope.

You start giving away training camp roster spots to reality-show winners.

The first time Michael Irvin watched "American Idol," he loved the concept of giving undiscovered singers the chance to become stars. Now Irvin is doing the same for NFL wannabes.

The Hall of Fame wide receiver is launching a reality TV show in which 12 "football neophytes" will compete for an impressive grand prize: a spot on the Dallas Cowboys' training-camp roster.

The Cowboys confirmed that one of their 80 roster spots will go to the show's winner. The NFL did not immediately return a call.

Hmmmm, the NFL didn't immediately return the call?

I wonder why?

Oh, yes. Roger Goodell is currently plotting the murders of Jerry Jones and Michael Irvin.

And It Really Didn't Have to Stop, It Just Kept On Going

Congratulations to Mr. Andrew Tuegel for correctly naming "High Speed" by Coldplay as the Tuesday Song of the Day.

I've purposefully kept the posts regarding America's Team to a minimum during the offseason, and this will probably be the only Cowboys-related post until the draft later this month, but a topic has arisen in the Valley Ranch universe that is impossible to ignore.

NFL renegade Pacman Jones, who is currently serving a suspension at the mandate of Commissioner/Sheriff/Camp Counselor Roger Goodell, is currently making major overtures to ensure that he is involved in the league next year playing for the team with one star on their helmets. The "Make It Rain" Maestro went as far as to appear yesterday on Michael Irvin's (a Hall-of-Famer who had his own ups and downs on and off the field) radio show to discuss his desire to move to the 'Boys next season.
Here's the problem: throughout the interview, Pacman acknowledged that he had made some bad decisions in the past (visiting gentleman's establishments, distributing large sums of cash at said gentlemen's establishments, and generally leaving a greater path of destruction in his wake than the tornado that destroyed Greensburg, KS*), but he also pinned some of the blame for those incidents on the police and members of the media.
I'll be one of the first people to tell you that the media in America, sports or otherwise, does not exactly do its part in portraying events accurately, and the police are not always the "good guys", but Pacman, my formerly dread-locked friend, you cannot continue to run from the likely fact that besides Michael Vick, you are the most-loathed (current/former) player in the league. Well, except for Brandon Jacobs among Cowboys fans, but that's another story for another time.

As I told the gentlemen at The Jig and Twig, I would rather that the Cowboys utilized one of their first-round draft picks (#22 or #28) on a corner (Antoine Cason, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Leodis McKelvin, etc.) rather than taking on the potential locker room cancer that is the Pacman Jones experience*. I understand that given the more stringent NFL disciplinary guidelines, teams may be willing to take chances on questionable character guys by short-term, performance-clause heavy deals, but it seems that the Cowboys are ready to put together another great season in '08-09, and I don't want the locker-room to turn into another reformation project for Jerry & Co.

*Too soon for that one? Probably so.
**Never to be confused with the Alan Parsons Project or the Jimi Hendrix Experience.

A Voice Inside My Head Said Don't Look Back, You Can Never Look Back

[Setting: Mid-town Manhattan outside of the NFL Offices]

Member of Immanuel Bible Church (Springfield, VA): Commissioner Goodell, excuse me, sir, Commissioner Goodell, excuse me.

Roger Goodell: [Turns around quickly] Yes?

Member of Immanuel Bible Church (Springfield, VA): Commissioner, on behalf of Immanuel Bible Church in Springfield, Virginia, I want to invite you to our annual Super Bowl party where you can watch the big game on a six-foot screen. Six-feet, Roger! That's larger than the sub sandwich you and Bill Belichick just polished off after discussing what to do about Spygate.

Roger Goodell: Six-foot screen, you say? Hmmmmmm.

Member of Immanuel Bible Church: Yes sir, and all the pizza you can handle.

Roger Goodell: Gee, I really appreciate the offer, but I just think I'm going to have to decline.

Member of Immanuel Bible Church: Why's that, Rog? As I said earlier, I know you love subs. We can scrap the pizza order for subs.

Roger Goodell: Well, it's not that, although I do love subs. It's just this copyright thing.

Member of Immanuel Bible Church: What copyright thing?

Roger Goodell: Well, our lawyers tell me that the NFL has a policy banning public showing of games on TV sets or screens larger than 55 inches, which puts you about 17 inches over the line.

Member of Immanuel Bible Church: Well, what about the sports bars with huuuuuge screens?

Roger Goodell: [Moves hands in same motion as Rob Schneider in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York when asking Kevin McAllister for a tip]

Member of Immanuel Bible Church: I see, Roger. No need to rub it in, dude.

Roger Goodell: Well, see you around. I've got to get out to Arizona for the game. All this time near Yankee Stadium has really been freaking me out.

"NFL Pulls Plug on Big-Screen Church Parties for Super Bowl" by Jacqueline L. Salmon of the Washington Post.