When You Were Young and Your Heart was an Open Book

If the saying about it being darkest just before the dawn is true, I hope it plays out in this head cold that I have been fighting for the last week and a half. If this were just a regular time of the year, and nothing big were going to happen this weekend, I would not pay it a second thought, but it so happens that I am going to put my body through the wringer this weekend with the marathon. I need to start ingesting Vitamin C by the vat and inhaling Nyquil.

I think that I have made the decision to go to law school again. I realize that my area of interest in the law is pretty limited, but I believe in it so strongly that I am willing to go into school with an already narrowed focus. The passion that I feel when I talk about human rights and social justice far surpasses the excitement that I feel when I talk about any other possible career options. Working for the State Department Office against Human Trafficking, IJM, or the UN Commission on Human Rights would be a dream for me, and I am willing to go to law school to achieve that dream, even if that means that alot of the other options out of law school hold no appeal for me.

This weekend as I began thinking about the future and what it holds for me I thought of some concrete things, but a lot of abstract thoughts also floated around. Here are some:

What are the virtues and qualities that I want to be known for one day?
What is the most important thing that I could communicate to someone else about finding joy in this life?
What are the things that bring me the greatest sense of fulfillment in this life?
What makes me feel whole?
What are the things/people/relationships/ideas that are worth chasing after?

There are many more, but in these five questions, I found a common thread in my thought process. It seemed that the idea of selflessness and self-sacrifice played prominently into each of my responses. I thought of the quote from a young RAF pilot about his service in the battle of Britain. He said, "The universe is so vast and so ageless, that the life of one person can only justified by the measure of their sacrifice." I look at that statement and it sounds good, but it seems to run completely in opposition to all of my desires and urges. I constantly have the need for self-preservation and self-gratification. All of my reason seems to bend me towards doing the things that bring me the most satisfaction and bring me the greatest fulfillment, but then when I think about this idea of self-sacrifice, I cannot rationally justify why I should pursue that kind of life. From somewhere, in a place that I do not fully comprehend, there is this notion that I can only find myself when I completely let go and step out of the way. I don't know how to rationalize or justify that, but those are the times in my life when I have felt whole and I have felt complete.

Feel free to offer your thoughts. This is just the stuff that has been running through my head.