Cause All Good Things, They Gotta Go
I would say that you have to start your lying early on April Fools' Day just to get in your jokes before people look at their calendars and realize what day it is, but let's be honest here: It's always easier to lie to people who just woke up. This is why I tell myself each morning that this is the Rangers' year and somehow keep believing it.
Another thing about April Fools' Day...once, when times were simpler, when men were men, and women were, well, women, you could make up crazy stories, try to sell them to your friends, and then have your friends say, "No way, that's so far out there, not even I can believe that." April Fools' Day was the realm of true practitioners of the craft of creating believable lies.
Now, everything is so bizarre that even if you're friend tells you,"Hey, guess what? You know that guy who played Commodus in Gladiator and Johnny Cash in Walk the Line? Well, he went on Letterman a few nights ago, and he didn't sing "Folsom Prison Blues" or try to kill Russell Crowe's family. No, he just sat there with a crazy beard, shaggy hair, and wayfarer sunglasses and acted as though he didn't want to be there the entire time."
Instead of dismissing you out of hand, now your friend says, "Yeah, sounds like Joaquin Phoenix".
What does this new paradigm shift in the world of April Fools' Day jokes mean? It means that the entire era is tainted, just as the entire statistical hierarchy of baseball has been tainted by steroids, PEDs, or whatever else Congress is outraged about these days.
For instance, your friends might say, "Man, I've had a great April Fools' Day joke for the last 7 years running. I'm approaching the streak that John Candy (God rest his soul) had going in the late 80's." Do not, I repeat, do not let your friend get away with this kind of boasting.
Instead, point out that outlandish stories are imminently more believable in a world where infommercial stars get arrested for slapping prostitutes (you're our only hope in these dark times, Billy Mays!!!), and that your friend's record should have an asterisk due to the fact that Candy achieved his streak without the aid of the world going mad while your friend gets to lie to people who live in the same historical epoch as Alex Rodriguez, Britney Spears, Octomom, Hugo Chavez, and Mike Tyson.
Ah, whatever happened to the good old days?
Another thing about April Fools' Day...once, when times were simpler, when men were men, and women were, well, women, you could make up crazy stories, try to sell them to your friends, and then have your friends say, "No way, that's so far out there, not even I can believe that." April Fools' Day was the realm of true practitioners of the craft of creating believable lies.
Now, everything is so bizarre that even if you're friend tells you,"Hey, guess what? You know that guy who played Commodus in Gladiator and Johnny Cash in Walk the Line? Well, he went on Letterman a few nights ago, and he didn't sing "Folsom Prison Blues" or try to kill Russell Crowe's family. No, he just sat there with a crazy beard, shaggy hair, and wayfarer sunglasses and acted as though he didn't want to be there the entire time."
Instead of dismissing you out of hand, now your friend says, "Yeah, sounds like Joaquin Phoenix".
What does this new paradigm shift in the world of April Fools' Day jokes mean? It means that the entire era is tainted, just as the entire statistical hierarchy of baseball has been tainted by steroids, PEDs, or whatever else Congress is outraged about these days.
For instance, your friends might say, "Man, I've had a great April Fools' Day joke for the last 7 years running. I'm approaching the streak that John Candy (God rest his soul) had going in the late 80's." Do not, I repeat, do not let your friend get away with this kind of boasting.
Instead, point out that outlandish stories are imminently more believable in a world where infommercial stars get arrested for slapping prostitutes (you're our only hope in these dark times, Billy Mays!!!), and that your friend's record should have an asterisk due to the fact that Candy achieved his streak without the aid of the world going mad while your friend gets to lie to people who live in the same historical epoch as Alex Rodriguez, Britney Spears, Octomom, Hugo Chavez, and Mike Tyson.
Ah, whatever happened to the good old days?
Labels: April Fools' Day, David Letterman, Joaquin Phoenix, John Candy, Texas Rangers, Vince Shlomi
posted by Justin @ 4/01/2009 04:51:00 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
With your impending move to H'Town, I can't believe you are still caught up in the Rangers. It is time to move on and get with the Stros.
Tim K.
Tim,
I'm going to defer to the brilliance of Bill Simmons to explain my dogged dedication to the Rangers:
19. Once you choose a team, you're stuck with that team for the rest of your life ... unless one of the following conditions applies:
# Your team moves to another city. All bets are off when that happens. In fact, if you decided to turn off that sport entirely, nobody would blame you.
# You grew up in a city that didn't field a team for a specific sport -- so you picked a random team -- and then either a.) your city landed a team, or b.) you moved to a city that fielded a team for that specific sport. For instance, one of my Connecticut buddies rooted for the Sixers during the Doctor J Era, then happened to be living in Orlando when the Magic came to town. Now he's a Magic fan. That's acceptable.
# One of your immediate family members either plays professionally or takes a relevant management/coaching/front office position with a pro team.
# You follow your favorite college star (and this has to be a once-in-a-generation favorite college star) to the pros and root for his team du jour ... like if you were a UNC fan for the past 20 years, and you rooted for the Bulls (because of MJ) and then the Raptors (because of Vince). Only works if there isn't a pro team in your area.
# The owner of your favorite team treated his fans so egregiously over the years that you couldn't take it anymore -- you would rather not follow them at all then support a franchise with this owner in charge. Just for the record, I reached this point with the Boston Bruins about six years ago. When it happens, you have two options: You can either renounce that team and pick someone else, or you can pretend they're dead, like you're a grieving widow. That's what I do. I'm an NHL widow. I don't even want to date another team.
# If you're between the ages of 20-40, you're a fan of the Yankees, Cowboys, Braves, Raiders, Steelers, Celtics, Lakers, Bulls, Canadiens and/or Oilers, and you're not actually from those one of those cities ... well, you better have a reason that goes beyond "When I was picking a favorite team as a kid, they were the best team, so I picked them."
Young New York fans
If you live in New York, you can't root for both the Yankees and Mets. Pick a side!
At least give me a reason like "Reggie Jackson was my favorite player growing up," or "I always liked the red Bulls uniforms," or even "Everyone in my gang wore Raiders colors." Do you really want to be known as a bona fide Bandwagon Jumper?
You said we were getting season tickets to the Astros game. Quit trying to act like you're never going to be a fan.
But there is a difference, my dear, between becoming a fan of the Astros and "moving on" from the Rangers.
A couple of sidebar notes to your post:
Last week's Leno episode featuring Billy Mays with Dana Carvey and Prince as musical guest has to be one of the most historic hours of television in broadcast history. I highly recommend looking up the episode on NBC.com.
I saw Vince, the purveyor of Slap-Chops and ShamWOWs, the other night on TV doing a Slap-Chop commercial. It was the closest thing to a Jedi mind trick seen outside of the PC room/courtrooms. I was mesmerized.
Re: your earlier comment to this post. Doesn't Tom Hicks' refusal to purchase decent pitching for the Rangers qualify? I'm not suggesting you give up on the Rangers, only suggesting that you would have grounds to do so.
Alan,
I will definitely look for that episode. As a child I spent an inordinate number of hours trying to perfect the Dana Carvey as George H.W. Bush imitation. And Prince? Well, Prince is Prince.
Vince and Billy Mays are the modern equivalent of the guys who used to drive around in wagons selling elixirs purportedly drawn from the horns of Unicorns. Do you really believe them? Probably not. Can you turn away? Absolutely not.
Hmmm, I'll think about Hicks' refusal to get good pitching as a type of "irreconcilable difference" for my possible divorce petition against the Rangers.
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