That's Our Blood Down There, Seems Pulled From the Hands of Angels

New stories you might have missed in the last week...

• Wall Arch, which fell late Sunday/early Monday of this week has actually been repaired by wake generated by Michael Phelps. WHILE HE WAS STILL IN BEIJING.
• Contrary to press reports, Michael Phelps, not French President Nicolas Sarkozy, brokered a peace deal between Russia and Georgia. Apparently Phelps forced indomitable Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin to listen to his (Phelps) pre-race iPod playlist which is composed solely of Barry Manilow's "Mandy", "I Write the Songs", and "Copacabana". Putin, according to reports, pulled out the earbuds midway through the first tune and complained of "intense discomfort".
  
• Apparently neither of the much ballyhooed Chinese girls actually sang "Hymn to the Motherland" at the Opening Ceremony last Friday night. Instead, Phelps recorded the tune in a karaoke session during the U.S. Training Camp earlier this year. WHILE UNDERWATER.
• T. Boone Pickens has announced that in light of the recent performance by Michael Phelps, he is scrapping the entire "Pickens Plan" and is instead converting the United States to a completely hydroelectric power system which will run on the legendary Phelps "dolphin-kick".
  
• In the past two days Phelps has written the acceptance speeches for John McCain, Barack Obama, Bob Barr, and Ralph Nader. Complaining that he needed a "challenge", he brokered a permanent cease-fire between the Crips and Bloods, discovered why there is no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Vitamins, and forever forced Nancy Grace off of television.
• Oh, I should also mention that he did a little swimming.