I Don't Ever Wanna Feel Like I Did That Day

I would write more about Liverpool's 2-0 loss to Chelsea today in the quarterfinals of the Carling Cup, but I might start cursing, and this is a family-friendly blog after all. Once more with feeling, John Middleton, I hope you're happy.

My buddies from ACU and I have an email group that we communicate on frequently, and today, as I was picking people's brains on No Country for Old Men, my friend Brandon presented the following question:
Jason Bourne v. Anton Chigurh, Who wins?

Frankly, I think we all win in that situation. Well, except for the numerous folks killed by the aforementioned duo. Because those characters represent two of the most definitive one-man wrecking crews in recent cinema history, we're breaking this one down Dr. Jack Ramsay style to determine the victor once and for all.

Bio:

• Chigurh: psychopathic killer employed by drug kingpins to track down money lost in a drug deal gone horribly wrong.
• Bourne: A CIA trained assassin who speaks a minimum of 7 languages.
• Advantage: Bourne. Who doesn't love a man who can tell you how you're about to die in Italian, Spanish, French, Dutch, Russian, or English?

Driving Skills:

• Chigurh: Throughout the film, we see him driving a myriad of vehicles (most of a Dodge make) so we know he is versatile. The only downside is that he is always driving on deserted West Texas highways so we have no idea whether he can handle a little stress on the roadway.
• Bourne: Do I really need to regale you with tales of Bourne driving a 1970's era Mini Cooper through the streets of Paris in what is probably the best chase scene committed to film since The French Connection? Furthermore, the chase scene in The Bourne Ultimatum caused both of my parents to cringe at least 25 times when we watched the film last summer.
• Advantage: Jason Bourne by a large margin. Honestly, what takes more skill, driving between Marfa and Del Rio or navigating the streets and alleys of Paris at breakneck speed? I thought so.

Disregard for Human Life:

• Chigurh: Let's see here, the guy kills a deputy simply for pulling him over, then proceeds to take the dead deputy's car out to a remote stretch of road just so he can pull over an unsuspecting motorist and observe the killing utility of a cattle stun gun attached to an oxygen tank. Yes, he's one bad hombre.
• Bourne: He obviously tears through the U.S. consulate in Zurich like a whirlwind, but lest we forget, he froze up when he had a chance to finish off Wombosi on the yacht simply because he sees one of Wombosi's children. Jason, it's all about focus and you were judged and found wanting.
• Advantage: Chigurh by a large margin. Joey mentioned in a recent comment that Chigurh might just be one of the most chilling movie villains since Hannibal Lecter. Even though it drives me crazy when people make unnecessary noise in movies, people were actually gasping when he would appear onscreen. Again, it drove me crazy, but there's no denying his presence.

Love Interests:

• Chigurh: None, unless you count the uber-creepy semi-erotic look he had on his face as he strangled the hapless deputy with his own handcuffs. In fact, that was so disturbing we'll just move on to Bourne.
• Bourne: An excellent case-study in why women are drawn to the brooding, dark male figure. After he wins the enduring affection of Marie Helena Kreutz in the first two films, he moves on after her death to a new fling with Nicky Parsons, played by Julia Stiles. He did have an odd way of ending up with women who cut and then dyed their hair black in order to maintain a covert identity.
• Advantage: Since the closest Chigurh came to connecting with another human being was his floor tussle with the deputy, Bourne wins this category easily.

What Others Say About Them:

• Chigurh: "Just how dangerous is he?" "Compared to what? The bubonic plague?"
• Bourne: "Listen, people - do you have any idea who you're dealing with? This is Jason Bourne. You are nine hours behind the toughest target you have ever tracked. Now I want everyone to sit down, strap in, and turn on all you've got. That would mean now."
• Advantage: Chigurh. When people are comparing you to a pandemic that ravaged 14th-century Europe, that's really as much as you can hope for in this life.

What They're Saying to Others:

• Chigurh: "I think you do. So this is what I'll offer - you bring me the money and I'll let her go. Otherwise she's accountable, same as you. That's the best deal you're gonna get. I won't tell you you can save yourself, because you can't. "
• Bourne: "Where are you now?" "I'm sitting in my office." "I doubt that." "Why would you doubt that?" "If you were in your office right now we'd be having this conversation face-to-face."
• Advantage: Bourne. It's easier to talk trash to a guy about killing him and his wife when you're across the Rio Grande, but it's much more difficult to talk smack from the director's office of a covert-CIA program. Well done, Jason.

Potential Marketing Opportunities:

• Chigurh: What kid doesn't want an officially-licensed, Coen brothers signed, Anton Chigurh action-figure this hristmas complete with an oxygen-fueled cattle stun gun and a removable toupee?
• Bourne: If Jason Bourne hasn't been hired by NASCAR or the Charles Berlitz language schools by this point, well, I just don't know what to tell you.
• Advantage: Chigurh. I'm tired of all of the action figures on the market having perfectly manicured hairstyles that would make David Beckham jealous. Chigurh makes the Unabomber look like a fashion-maven and presents a breath of fresh air to the staid action figure world.

Staying Power:

• Chigurh: We are only able to see Anton's maniacal genius in one novel and one film. Until author Cormac McCarthy decides to delve back into the story, we have a singular, bloody showing from Mr. Chigurh.
• Bourne: As they always say, "All good things come in threes." We have a trio of novels from Rober Ludlum chronicling the story of Bourne and three accompanying films.
• Advantage: Bourne. As the Hall-of-Fame voters look at a player's "body of work", I'm looking at the total product from Bourne. This is not a mark against the tremendous work of Chigurh in "No Country...", but a recognition that he needs to replicate the feat in order to enter the stratosphere.

Dramatic Foils:

• Chigurh: Llewellyn Moss (played by Josh Brolin), Sheriff Ed Tom Bell (played by Tommy Lee Jones), and Carson Wells (played by Woody Harrelson). A trio of cowboy hat wearing Texans that are defined by their words and actions.
• Bourne: Alexander Conklin (Chris Cooper), Ward Abbott (Brian Cox), the Professor (Clive Owen), Noah Vosen (David Straithairn), and Dr. Albert Hirsch (Albert Finney). Usually this list of bozos were not even worthy of setting foot in the same room as Bourne, although Brian Cox's performance were practically indistinguishable from the characters he also played in Troy or X-Men. Judging from how quickly Brian mailed in the performances in the aforementioned movies, there must have been a little problem with mortgage payments in the Cox household during the 2002-2004 period.
• Advantage: Chigurh. Even though Ed Tom Bell had two first names, he always seemed as though he was in on a joke that no else had heard yet. The quality of a character is often determined by those around him, and Chigurh had worthy opponents in Moss, Bell, and Wells. Also, it should be noted that Chigurh was considerate enough to avoid staining his boots with Wells's blood after Carson meet his demise.

Conclusion:

• Chigurh: A thoroughly terrifying figure that has already elicited fearful appraisals from a few of my friends. I'm pretty sure that no one will ever look at an oxygen tank in quite the same way again. I know I won't.
• Bourne: A classic story of redemption from a life of violence to a life of peace, but who watches movies about that?
• Advantage: Bourne. In the final count Bourne wins by a count of 5 to 4 in the arbitary categories constructed by yours truly.

Perhaps you see it differently, and if you do, let me know. Oh, another thing, don't tell Anton that I said he wasn't the best. Thanks.