Tried Yesterday to Get Away and Hitchhiked to the Beach

"WASHINGTON—Amid a growing list of domestic and international concerns such as skyrocketing fuel prices, the slumping dollar, massive recalls of tainted food, the housing market collapse, and an increase in obesity, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals delivered the country's only positive statistic Tuesday when officials announced that cases of feline leukemia had stabilized."

The Onion with "Only Positive Statistic of the Year Announced."

This was an epidemic of staggering proportions and if there was one thing that could bring cheer and good tidings during this holiday season, it is the knowledge that cats around America no longer need to live in fear. Well, at least from leukemia. Kids who torture cats on their eventual path to becoming serial killers? That might still be a cause for concern for fickle felines everywhere.